Journal Entry #45 5/3/21

I have to admit, I am not great when it comes to thinking about the future. I subscribe heavily to the world view that, life happens and all you can do is roll with the punches. It’s not really a reality that allows for much power in terms of creating the life that you want. Perhaps it’s not surprisingly that viewing the world this way helps take the load off of making sure that everything in your life goes according to plan. But this also means that planning for the future seems… futile, in a sense. When you combine this perspective with the fact that things have rarely gone according to plan in my life, you may understand why I avoid such things as planning.

At my whole, I wish I could view things in a positive way. Go back to school, you’ll get closer to that dream job (which I have no idea what that is). Just work hard and the opportunities will come. Work towards a career choice that makes decent money that you’re content with, and it will work out. All of these ideals are something I truly believed… but I don’t. I was raised with the idea that if you work hard and get good grades, go to college, you won’t end up digging ditches on the side of the road. Which is true, I didn’t end up digging on the side of the road, just in people’s backyards instead. I should mention that I did love working outside, but it’s not the life for a family man looking for a long term career.

Sparing the details, things did not go according to plan, and with the plan tossed aside, so did my faith in the education system. Not so much with the usefulness of knowing how to learn, but a loss of faith that college will lead you to a dream job. There should be an addendum to the idea that college will lead you to a dream job. Pick a degree that provides the most opportunities after school, and hopefully after your 4 years that choice will remain faultless. For how much you spend to go to college, you set your expectations pretty high.

The times I am most happy is when I don’t think about the future, I can focus on getting through the day with a good attitude. But looming desires of money, kids, and living in my dream city, will always taunt me into thinking about the future and pulling me out of my blissful tunnel vision. Most days I can end the day feeling happy, but thinking about the future, that is not quite the same feeling. Rather than trying to force myself to think that “things will work out with my career goals”, I should change it to, “one day I will believe that things will work out in my career goals”.

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